Funny Life Quotes | Funny Life Quotes And Sayings

 Funny Life Quotes | Funny Life Quotes And Sayings

Funny Life Quotes
1. Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.  - Douglas Adams

2. Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. - Woody Allen

3. I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. - Jack Handey

4. He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. - Friedrich Nietzsche

5. You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave. - Quentin Crisp

Funny Life Quotes And Sayings
6. I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it. Charles Schulz

7. I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer. - Jim Carrey

8. Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't. - Richard Bach

9. I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

10. The perfect normal person is rare in our civilization. - Karen Horney

11. Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. - George Bernard Shaw

Children Quotes,Quotes about Childern,Quotes on Childern

Quotes on childern:

 A child miseducated is a child lost.
John F. Kennedy .

We have the power to make this the best generation of mankind in the history of the world or to make it the last.
John F. Kennedy .

When I see children, I see the face of God. That's why I love them so much. That's what I see.
Michael Jackson .

Everyone who knows me will know the truth, which is that my children come first in my life and that I would never harm any child.
Michael Jackson .

Because parents have power over children. They feel they have to do what their parents say. But the love of money is the root of all evil. And this is a sweet child. And to see him turn like this, this isn't him. This is not him.
Michael Jackson .

I've never owned a gun, I don't believe in 'em. When we were kids and my brothers and played Cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.
Edward Norton .

Our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. And we are all mortal.
John F. Kennedy .

Children show me in their playful smiles the divine in everyone. This simple goodness shines straight from their hearts and only asks to be lived.
Michael Jackson .

Everything that I love is behind those gates. We have elephants, and giraffes, and crocodiles, and every kind of tigers and lions. And - and we have bus loads of kids, who don't get to see those things. They come up sick children, and enjoy it.
Michael Jackson .

Marriage Wishes Quotes,SMS,Messages

Marriage Wishes Quotes:

1. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

2. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

3. Q: Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
   A: It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

4. Y a man carrzy his wife's photo in d wallet?
COZ whenever he faces trouble, sees d photo & thinks-If I can handle THIS i can handle anything!

5. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

6. For the fools marraige are burden.Marraige is the happy begining of 3rd phase of life.It is to share responsibility,having ligal relations in society.Married life becomes happy when u see the smile on ur childs face!

7. A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "Dad! I've found a woman just like mother"
His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"

8. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -Well, it's the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Silly Quotes On - Love,Girls,Life,Best Friends

Silly Quotes :

1. Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature

2. All of my friends and I are crazy.Thats what keeps us sane!

3. if barbie is so popular....then y do u have 2 buy her friends?

4. I intend to live forever- so far so good

5. Some say the glass is half empty, Some say the glass is half full, I say "are you gonna drink that?"

6. Iv got 2 sit down & work out where i stand!!!

7. Wen u smile the world smiles with u.wen ur down people will rally behind u.but wen u fart u r alone coz people will never stand by u!

8. people ask me if id pefer 2 go 2 hell or heaven i say hell coz its nice and warm down there

9. Im a nobody.. nobodys perfect.. therefore IM PERFECT!!!

10. I didnt kiss ur boyfriend! I told his lips a secret!!

11. I would stop eating chocolate.. but I'm not a quitter!

Smile Quotes,SMS,Messages

Smile Quotes:

 There is always a reason for everything
A reason to live
A reason to die
A reason to cry,
But if you can’t find a reason to smile
Can I be the reason for a while

Smile in ease,
Smile in pain,
Smile when trouble,
pour like rain,
smile when someone hurt ur fellings,
smiles you know are very hailng…

Someone somewhere dreams of your smile…
and while thinking of you says life is worthwhile.
So whenever you’re lonely…remember its true….
someone somewhere is thinking of you

Thousands of languages around this world
but
“smile” can beat them all.
Because
“Smile” is the Language even a BABY can speak..

Hey.. Listen .. two people were asking me your details today.
I gave them your address and mobile number.
They will be visiting you soon.
Their names are Joy & happiness.

The world is, the world was and the world will be always one.
Whatever you do ,where ever you live and where ever you go.
Always proud to be One Worldian.
Just Love it!

Always be Happy, always wear a smile;
Not because life is full of reasons to smile
but because your smile itself is a reason
for many others to smile. . .

General Jokes in English

General Jokes in English:

1. Hw do U occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up!

2. 2 men R fishing. A funeral march goes by. T 1st man places his h@ on his chest. 2nd man says ''Th@'s nice. 1st man says 'It's T least I cn do. We wr married for 25 years.'

3. Y did T farmer win a noBl prize? Bcoz he was out st&ing in his field!

4. Y did T jelly baby go 2 school? Bcoz it wanted 2 B a smarty.

5. Wht do U cll a dog with no legs? It doesn't m@ter wot U cll him, he ain't gonna cum.


6. For sale complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 74 volumes. Good condition. £1,000 ONO. No longer needed, got married, T wife knows eVthing!

7. I went 2 by sum camouflage trousers T oTr day But I cdnt find NE.


8. Why did they call it PMS? Mad cow disease was already taken! → Mary had a little lamb The doctor fainted!!!

9. Y did T cnnibal rush over 2 T cafeteria? He hrd children wr half price.

10. Y dnt lobsters shR? Bcoz Ty're shellfish.

11. I'm an alien I've transformed in2 Ur ph1 & as U're reading ths I'm having sex with Ur finger. I know U like it Bcoz I cn C U smiling!

12. T jogger who overslept found himself running... l@e.

Wrong Person SMS Messages

Wrong Person SMS Messages:

1. I wanted to send u something nice that would make u smile but the postman told me to get out of the mailbox!

2. This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful. We have obviously sent it to the wrong number.We are truly sorry for the inconvenience

3. Ur cute gorgeous fine & dandy.really sexy u make me randy.ur good wiv ur mouth & also in bed …oops sorry wrong number 4get wot I said!

4. I saw sumthing in da shop window 2day.It was stunning sexy cute beautiful & adorable.I was supposed 2buy it4u till i realised it was my own REFLECTION

5. Those innocent eyes... Those kissable lips... A great smile... The perfect walk... Smoothest talk... Absolutely gorgeous.. Thats enough bout me-How r u?

Joke Messages for Friends,English

Joke  Messages for Friends:

1. A blond woman picks up a 100. Was it a smart or a stupid blond one? ...................... stupid of course, there are no others

2. What's the difference between blonds and traffic-signs? Some signs say stop.

3. When god created the men he was only kidding

4. Why does a stupid blond woman sneak past the pharmacy? ................. She does not want to wake the sleeping tablets!

5 .Dear God, I will keep it brief otherwise they will steal my dinner. AMEN

6. Dialogue between 2 undertakers. "Do you have sometimes a dead period?"

7. There are numerous restaurants where you can eat Chinese. But it does not help a bit. There are more every day.

8. Do you believe that getting married on a Friday brings bad luck ? "Of course, why would Friday be an exception?"

9. Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito ot her mother. "yes but be aware, pay attention during the applause."

10. Farmer seeks woman with tractor. Please add photo of tractor.

Marriage Jokes - Sms,Messages,Quotes

Marriage Jokes:

1. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

2. I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward

3. Behind every great man there is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

4. The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge

5. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

6. A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Michel de Montaigne

7. Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative. - Unknown

8. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

9. Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women. - Marion Smith

10. There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavran

11. The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him - Oscar Wilde

12. An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie

13. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. - Joey Adams

14. A husband's last words should always be 'OK buy it'.

15. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence....(a life sentence!)

Jokes in English,Cricket Jokes in English

Cricket Jokes in English:
Q. Exactly what do Geraint Johnson and Michael Jackson share?
A. Both of them put on mitts without no reason

Q. What’s the height of optimism?
A. An British batsman using sun block.

Q. Exactly what does Ashley Giles place in his hands to make certain the following ball more often than not requires a wicket?
A. A softball bat.

Q. What can Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An allrounder.

Cricket Jokes in English
Q. Exactly what do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his title?
A. A bowler.

Q. What’s the most proficient type of work displayed by British batsmen?
A. The walk to the pavilion.

Q. That has the simplest job within the British squad?
A. The man who removes the red-colored ball marks in the bats.

Q. Exactly why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest British player?
A. While he was created in England.

Q. Exactly what does “Ashes” are a symbol of?
A. Another Sad Terrible British Series.

Q. What is the British form of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q. Who stays probably the most time around the crease of anybody within the British team?
A. The one who ironed the cricket whites.

Jokes in Hindi

Jokes in Hindi:

"Apki kahani humari zubani"

Apke pas dimag hai,
chalta ni alag bat hai.
.
.
Ap smart hai,
k0i manta ni hai alag bat hai.
.
.
Ap sareef hai,
lagta ni alag bat hai.
.
.
Kaafi izzat hai apki,
k0i karta ni alag bat hai.


Grl- hmmmm!
Apna numbr de d0,
jab current bf se break-up h0ga
t0 miss call kr dungi...


Santa Zebra Crossing Ke Black & White Lines Par
Baar-Baar Idhar-Udhar Chal Raha Tha,

Aur

Soch Raha Tha Ki
Sala Ye Piano Bajta Kyo Nahi. =D =))

Jokes in Telugu

తెలుగు జోక్స్ (Jokes in Telugu)
నవ్వడం ఒక భోగం. నవ్వించడం ఒక యోగం. నవ్వలేక పోవడం ఒక రోగం.

వంశ పారంపర్యం
"వెంకయ్యగారూ... ఈ జబ్బు మీతో రాలేదు. వంశపారంపర్యంగా వచ్చింది. ఆపరేషన్ చేస్తే పోతుంది" చెప్పాడు డాక్టర్.
"అమ్మయ్య... బతికించారు. అయితే ఆ అపరేషనేదో మా తాతయ్యకు చెయ్యండి" చెప్పాడు వెంకయ్య.

ఏ పక్క
"మీ ఆవిడా, మీ అమ్మా సూర్యాకాంతం, ఛాయాదేవిల్లా రోజూ పోట్లాడుకుంటునప్పుడు నువ్వే పక్క నిలిచుంటావు?" సుధాకర్‍ను అడిగాడు కరుణాకర్.

"గోడపక్క" చెప్పాడు సుధాకర్

భయం
"నాకూ, మా ఆవిడకు ఏమైనా గొడవయితే నేను వెంటనే మా ఇంట్లో బావిని చెక్కతో మూసి ఉంచుతాను"

"ఏం.... మీ ఆవిడ అలిగి నూతిలో దూకి ఆత్మహత్య చేసుకుంటుందని భయమా?"

"కాదు..... నన్ను తోసేస్తుందని."

"నాన్నా... నాన్నా... నాకు సన్నాయి నేర్చుకోవాలనుంది. నేను నేర్చుకోవటానికి ఒక సన్నాయి కొనిపెట్టవా?" ఐదో కొడుకు అడిగాడు తండ్రిని.

"వద్దురా.. వేళాపాళా లేకుండా వాయిస్తే ఇంట్లో గోలగా ఉంటుంది" అన్నాడు తండ్రి.

"ఫర్లేదు నాన్నా... మీరంతా నిద్ర పోయిన తరువాత వాయించుకుంటాను" చెప్పాడు కొడుకు అమాయకంగా.

పట్టుదల
"పట్టుదల ఉంటే మనిషి సాధించలేనిది లేదోయ్" అన్నాడు నరసింహం

"అలాగా.... అయితే ఈ గ్లాసులో పాలు కింద పోస్తాను. మీ పట్టుదలతో తిరిగి గ్లాసులో నింపండి చూద్దాం" ఎదురన్నాడు కుర్రాడు.

Short Funny Jokes

 Christmas jokes-Little angel

One Christmas, a long time ago, Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip; but there were problems ...... everywhere.

Four of his elves were away sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus popped in to tell Santa that her mother was coming to stay for Christmas; which stressed him even more.

After a while, he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and run away, heaven knows where to.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards broke and several large toy-bags fell to the ground, scattering their contents all over the place. Needless to say, Santa was not in the best of moods.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang and he went to the door expecting another problem. But when he opened it, there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree that she had brought especially to cheer him up.

The angel greeted him very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa Claus. Isn't it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. See, isn't it just the loveliest Christmas tree you've ever seen? Where would you like me to put it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Short Funny Quotes on Life

Short Funny Quotes on Life:

 If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide. – Mahatma Gandhi

Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man’s superiority to all that befalls him. – Roman Gary

I am a great friend to public amusements, for they keep the people from vice. – Samuel Johnson

WARNING: Humor may be hazardous to your illness. – Ellie Katz

One should never risk a joke, even of the mildest and most unexceptional charters, except among people of culture and wit. – Jean De La Bruyere

Good taste and humor are a contradiction in terms, like a chaste whore. – Malcolm Muggeridge

Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude. – Frank Muir

I could not tread these perilous paths in safety, if I did not keep a saving sense of humor. – Lord Nelson

There are things of deadly earnest that can only be mentioned under the cover of a joke. – J. J. Procter

Short Funny Quotes and Sayings

Short Funny Quotes and Sayings:

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. – Mark Twain

Isn’t it sad how some people can’t be funny, so they have to settle for being obnoxious? – Source Unknown

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. – Peter Ustinov

If you can make a woman laugh you can do anything with her. – Nicol Williamson

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh. – W. H. Auden

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him. – Napoleon Bonaparte

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain. – Edward De Bono

Humor is something that thrives between man’s aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. – Victor Borge

Humor is just another defense against the universe. – Mel Brooks

A rich man’s joke is always funny. – Thomas Edward Brown

Sorry Quotes,Apology Quotes - Friends,Teacher,Mother,Boyfriend

Sorry Quotes Friends
1. Sorry Is Not Your Defeat It Is Success Of
Your Relation So Don’t Hesitate To Say Sorry
To Your Friend With Open Heart.

2. Good Friends Are Like Stars….
You Don’t Always See Them, But You Know
They Are Always There?

3. The Best Kind of Friend Is the One You Could Sit On,
A Porch with Never Saying A Word And Walk Away Feeling,
Like That Was the Best Conversation You’ve Had.

Apology Quotes  Teacher
1. You Make Me A Real Human Through Your
Teachings. So I Am Really Sorry If I Ever
Make You Angry.

2. If I Were To Begin My Life Again,
I Should Want It As It Were. I Would Only
Open My Eyes A Little More.
Jules Renard

3. Children Are Like Wet Cement. Whatever
Falls On Them Makes An Impression.
Haim Ginott

Sorry Quotes Mother
1. My Mom Always Loves Me Even When There Is
No One My Mom Is Always Praying For Me.
I Am Sorry If I Ever Hurts You Mom

2. On Earth There Is Just One Shadow That
Is Mother Never Hurt Your Mother. I Am Very
Very Sorry If I Hurts You My Dear Mother.

3. “I Am Sorry, Mother. I Named Your Anger.
A Woman’s Anger Is Not Supposed To…”

Apology Quotes Boyfriend
1. A man is sorry to be honest for nothing.

2. I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.

3. Dear motorist on the information superhighway. I’m sorry I do not have a car.

4. Friendship isn’t a big thing – it’s a million little things.

5. There is a strength in the union of very sorry men.

6. It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.

Funny Quotes to Live by

Funny Quotes to Live by:

 1. Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
Samuel Butler

2. Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard

3. The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
George Carlin

4. All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.
Robert Brault

5. Life is painful, nasty and short... in my case it has only been painful and nasty.
Djuna Barnes

6. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Robert Bloch

7. If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher

8. I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
Bill Cosby

9. Men occasionally stumble on the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
Sir Winston Churchill

10. In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
Joey Adams

Funny Quotes about Friends,Marriage,Work

Funny Quotes about Friends
1. A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

2. I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places.
Mark Twain

3. Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth.
Horace Walpole

4. I have three kinds of friends: those who love me, those who pay no attention to me, and those who detest me.
Nicolas De Chamfort

5. Heaven must be an awfully dull place if your best friends end up elsewhere.
Anonymous

6. Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn’t seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Funny Quotes about Marriage
1. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

2. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

3. . Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

4. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

5. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

6. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL. 

Funny Quotes about Work
1. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
Charlie McCarthy

2. Unemployment is capitalism's way of getting you to plant a garden.
Orson Scott Card

3. The average millionaire can't tell you who got thrown off the island last night.
Dave Ramsey

4. If you want to kill any idea in the world, get a committee working on it. 
Charles F. Kettering

5. Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.
Earl Nightingale

6. The world is divided into people who do things, and people who get the credit.
Dwight Morrow  

Funny Quotes and Sayings About Life,Love

Funny Quotes and Sayings About Life
1. The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
George Carlin

2. And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.
Abraham Lincoln

3. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat
Lily Tomlin

4. Don’t look back, somebody might be gaining on you
Satchel Paige

5. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred
Woody Allen

6. Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

7. Don't let someone be a priority in your life when you are still an option in their life

8. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it
George Carlin

9. Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, you’ll be right

Funny Quotes and Sayings About Love
1. "I detest 'love lyrics.' I think one of the causes of bad mental health in the United States is that people have been raised on 'love lyrics."
Frank Zappa

2. "You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap."
Dolly Parton

3. "I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of."
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

4. "A woman might as well propose: her husband will claim she did."
 Edgar Watson Howe

5. "I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's eighth husband on her wedding night: I know what I'm supposed to do...I just have to figure out a way to make it interesting."
 many attributions

6 ."No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying." -

7. "An old man who marries a young wife grows younger - but she grows older."
 folk saying

8.  "It is not uncommon for slight acquaintances to get married, but a couple really have to know each other to get divorced."

9. "What female heart can despise gold?"
 Thomas Gray

Funny Birthday Quotes,Sayings

Funny Birthday Quotes:

1. "A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life."
Muhammad Ali

2. "Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life."
Kitty Collins
George Harrison

3. "All the world is a birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much."

4. "Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I need an upgrade."
Norman Wisdom

5. "As you get older, three things happen: The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."
Andre Gide

6. "At times is it seems that I am living my life backward, and that at the approach of old age my real youth will begin. My soul was born covered with wrinkles. Wrinkles my ancestors and parents most assiduously put there and that I had the greatest trouble removing."
Greg Evans

7. "Birthday is a salty word if you're not a fan of cake and ice cream."

8. "Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake."

Funny Birthday Sayings

9. "Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."
John Glenn

10. "For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday."

11. "There was a star dance, and under that was I born."
Robert Frost

12. "Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty."
Shakespeare

13. "To me, fair friend, you never can be old. For as you were when first your eye I eyed. Such seems your beauty still."
Lucy Larcom

14. "Whatever with the past has gone, the best is always yet to come."
Mark Twain

15. "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."